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The sun has been shining the past couple of days. I’m not sure whether to be grateful for the light or to scorn it. There was something comforting about the dreary days. Almost as if nature was grieving with me.

I’m struggling to show up in my life. I feel like I’m watching it pass me by. This feeling terrifies me. I have done this before, been in the backseat with no feeling of control over where I’m going or what’s to come. I did not like it then and I do not like it now. I need something to make sense to me. I’ve been reading so much. Seeking out that one sentence or phrase that will resonate with me- that one thing that will help me feel understood. It came in the most unexpected place. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs over the weekend and in one of the episodes, Derek Shepard says, “I’m just trying to get perspective. Everything feels so enormous. I’m just trying to get some perspective.” That hit it on the head for me. That is exactly how I feel. I want perspective. I don’t want to feel like I’m counting down the minutes of my life anymore. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night- the loneliest and scariest time. I don’t want to lie there, alone in the ocean of my sadness, wishing for connection with the one person I’ve cut off contact with. 

I want to find joy in the smallest of things again. I want to be curious about people and their stories again. I want to smile and laugh like I mean it. Most of all, I want to feel like I made the right decision. Everyday I wonder to myself if this was a huge mistake, if I’m going to be kicking myself for letting him go.

I’ve been reading a lot of Brene Brown, my personal hero. I wonder how she would handle this situation. I wonder all the time if she would think I was living my life wholeheartedly right now. I’m been saying one of her quotes to myself daily as I wake each morning, “I live and love with my whole heart.” I’m hoping that I’ll absorb these words each day and months down the road realize that I’ve ended up living them.

The one thing I’m not trying to do is numb myself. Even though these are tough feelings to handle and sit with, I know that they are important. In hard decisions, in times when we feel uncomfortable, those are the times and places where growth occurs. I am diving into some of my own relationship “stuff,” trying to recognize and change negative patterns and cycles.

Today I am grateful for:
Running, writing and baking it out.
Friends and family who check in on me and surround me with love.
A new therapist whom I click with.
The possibility that someday soon this will all make sense.

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My dear friends,

Practicing gratitude is something that is very meaningful to me. I would even go so far as to say that it is one of my core values. I believe it helps me appreciate all of things that I am blessed with. It helps me to remember what is important to me and keeps things in perspective. In short, gratitude for me is uplifting and humbling.

About a week ago, I chose to end a relationship that was very important to me. There are so many things that are hard about this. He is one of my best friends and I care about him so, so much. He’s a fantastic man who always treats me well and appreciates me exactly as I am. I am completely smitten with him. However, we found ourselves at a cross roads. We are two people who even though we care so much about each other and have so much good in our relationship, have also discovered that we are in different places in our lives, wanting different things. Separation seemed like the only answer, as there wasn’t really a compromise or a middle ground for our situation. I am heartbroken.

To say that the past week has been challenging is an understatement. I find it very difficult to just exist as each day passes. I do all that I can to hold it together at my job. Some days, I count down the minutes until I can go home and lay with Addie, snuggling my face deep into her fur, exhaling some of my pain and sadness, wanting her to hold onto it for me for a little while. Life seems to be spinning around me, as my personal clock ticks by, agonizingly slow. Being present remains the hardest of all, time spent with others is ladled with guilt, as I try to be engaged, but am unable to.

My biggest struggle has been around how to remain grateful when consumed with such sadness. I’d be lying if I said it isn’t tough. Normally, I am a person who is filled with love, peace and hope. Those things have a hard time existing among my sadness. However, I feel strongly that it is when we are at an all time low that that is when self care becomes the most important. It is easy to be grateful when everything is going right. When life hits so hard that it takes your breath away, then is the time to practice gratitude daily, hourly, by the minute. I’ve been pushing myself to remain true to this idea. To wake up each morning and focus on what the day could bring, and reflect and recount on all the good that happened as the day winds down. I am so committed to this that I posted a sign on the back of my bedroom door that states, “something wonderful is going to happen today.”

Today, something wonderful did happen. A really big proposal at work passed. I am beyond ecstatic. As I celebrated with co-workers and began to start pounding out the details with my supervisor, I forgot about my sadness. For one whole hour, I didn’t have trouble breathing because of the overwhelming pain in my chest. I didn’t have to focus on my breath, or silently chant to myself, “breathe in light, exhale love.” For one whole hour today I was able to feel a sense of normalcy. This realization brought some comfort. Time promises to pass, life will continue to happen. Each new day brings a new beginning. Every day will get a little easier.

I’m sure a little while down the road I’ll be able to figure out the lessons I’ve learned from this experience. My strong belief that everything happens for a reason will help me to connect the dots. But for now, I commit to taking the very best care of myself and to continue to practice gratitude even when it seems impossible.

Today I am grateful for:
Practicing kindness, gratitude and utilizing the law of attraction to get through this heartbreak.
Very loud music to drown out my swirling thoughts.
Hard work paying off.
Writing it out.

Today I am grateful for:

A new year. With it comes so many wonderful opportunities. Adventures, explorations and all kinds of chances to learn and grow. I love the excitement and good that comes from the new year. Everyone committed to improving themselves. Such good energy around. 

Reflection. With every new beginning, I try to look back at what went well and what didn’t. Learning from my mistakes and celebrating my successes. 

The promise that time will continue to pass. 

The strength that comes from breathing. Breathe in light, exhale love. Repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Good friends to lean on. 

My non-stop snuggler, Adderson Pokey Slothface.