The sun has been shining the past couple of days. I’m not sure whether to be grateful for the light or to scorn it. There was something comforting about the dreary days. Almost as if nature was grieving with me.

I’m struggling to show up in my life. I feel like I’m watching it pass me by. This feeling terrifies me. I have done this before, been in the backseat with no feeling of control over where I’m going or what’s to come. I did not like it then and I do not like it now. I need something to make sense to me. I’ve been reading so much. Seeking out that one sentence or phrase that will resonate with me- that one thing that will help me feel understood. It came in the most unexpected place. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy re-runs over the weekend and in one of the episodes, Derek Shepard says, “I’m just trying to get perspective. Everything feels so enormous. I’m just trying to get some perspective.” That hit it on the head for me. That is exactly how I feel. I want perspective. I don’t want to feel like I’m counting down the minutes of my life anymore. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night- the loneliest and scariest time. I don’t want to lie there, alone in the ocean of my sadness, wishing for connection with the one person I’ve cut off contact with. 

I want to find joy in the smallest of things again. I want to be curious about people and their stories again. I want to smile and laugh like I mean it. Most of all, I want to feel like I made the right decision. Everyday I wonder to myself if this was a huge mistake, if I’m going to be kicking myself for letting him go.

I’ve been reading a lot of Brene Brown, my personal hero. I wonder how she would handle this situation. I wonder all the time if she would think I was living my life wholeheartedly right now. I’m been saying one of her quotes to myself daily as I wake each morning, “I live and love with my whole heart.” I’m hoping that I’ll absorb these words each day and months down the road realize that I’ve ended up living them.

The one thing I’m not trying to do is numb myself. Even though these are tough feelings to handle and sit with, I know that they are important. In hard decisions, in times when we feel uncomfortable, those are the times and places where growth occurs. I am diving into some of my own relationship “stuff,” trying to recognize and change negative patterns and cycles.

Today I am grateful for:
Running, writing and baking it out.
Friends and family who check in on me and surround me with love.
A new therapist whom I click with.
The possibility that someday soon this will all make sense.