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Moving on and letting go is an awful, awful process. I had hoped that I could be just friends, that somehow after falling in love with one of my best friends, that we could return to what it had been like before. Turns out that right now that is impossible. Seeing him was too much- too much way too soon. I’ve been able to be friends with people I’ve dated in the past, but it has been after lots of time has passed. I need time. The part that is hardest, is that it seems impossible to go on in this life without him. Without the person who supported and encouraged me over the past two years, without the person who makes me laugh the hardest and feel the most at ease as myself. My confidant, my late night phone date, my love.

We are too hurt. Our hearts need to heal individually, with separate experiences. Knowing and feeling like we can go on and be just fine without the other. Maybe then we can reconnect, maybe then when I see him it won’t feel like the very delicate scab I’ve managed to grow over my wounded heart hasn’t been ripped off. Maybe then it won’t feel like the wind has been continually knocked out of me, that the never-ending nausea and feelings of impossibility will cease to exist.

I want the best for him. I want so many great things in this life for him. For him to know that he is loved and appreciated and has so much to offer to the people around him. Somehow, our journey has lead us to this place, where he needs to figure all of that out on his own. Without me. Even typing these sentences feels excruciating. I go back and forth between intense sadness, anger and numbness. I keep hoping for a balance and a sign that this is leading me to somewhere good. That eventually I will see the reason for this. That somehow I’m going to find myself living and loving with my whole heart again. 

I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid to fall in love. I thought that if I let myself fall for someone that I wouldn’t ever recover. I knew at a pretty young age what incredible loss felt like. I think in my mind and heart I wanted to protect myself from loss, from the pain. Healing from this heartbreak feels different somehow. I’ve turned my focus inward, paying special attention to my wants and needs. Doing all kinds of things to self soothe. I know that I will be okay. I know that in two weeks I’ll feel differently, in three months I may feel the spring in my step again.

I’m trying to focus on the good stuff. Trying extra hard to find the joy and humor in even the smallest of things. I’m keeping busy with friends and personal goals. I will get through this somehow. I woke up this morning and put my gym clothes on right away, because if I didn’t do that, I knew I’d continue to lay in my bed, wondering where the last three hours has gone. As I was getting ready, a good friend texted me asking if I had any interest in participating in a Warrior Dash. It’s a run that includes all kinds of crazy obstacles and lots of mud. I felt an excitement build in my chest as I considered if I could actually complete such a task. I walked over to the bulletin board that hangs behind my door. On it is my five year plan and other inspiring quotes and ideas. I’ve been meaning to update it as the first year is almost complete. I realized as I looked at it that I’d accomplished a lot of my first year goals already. It’s amazing to me that when things are written down and given a timestamp, they seem to naturally fall into place. I found myself feeling excited to update my five year plan again. 

Today I am grateful for:
My family and friends who give me unwavering support and love.
Living in a city with tons of things to do.
Hobbies to distract me.
Lots of music to listen to super, duper loudly.

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Dear friends, 

I’m writing to you with a full brain. I am knee deep in studying for my licensure exam. It’s been interesting studying for this test. It’s almost as if I’m dusting off old books that have been stored in the attic of my brain. I keep finding myself saying, “Oh right. THIS theorist!” It’s been kind of exciting to know that the knowledge hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just been buried under other things. With that said, I’ve been fighting off so much anxiety around this test. It’s an important test in my career, probably the most important test of my late 20s. In reality, if I don’t pass it I can take it again. However, I really want to come from the mindset of the only option is to pass. The test itself is expensive and preparing for it has been taxing on my mental and emotional state. 

I’ve been thinking about gratitude every single day. I know that I have gotten off track in terms of posting about what I’m grateful for each day. I do continue to wake each morning and be grateful for so much. A snoozing Adder, snuggled up next to me keeping my body warm and her cute face keeping my heart warm. I’m grateful for heat from the radiator as well as warm sunlight. I’m grateful to look forward to going into work, as it has kept my mind occupied during this tough emotional time. I’m grateful for all of the people in my life who support me always. I’m grateful for deep, cleansing breaths. I could go on and on and on. 

Three important things have happened within the past two days that have brought me to tears. I had the privilege to be invited to attend a talent show for one of the kids that I work with. He choreographed an incredible dance that left the entire audience on their feet. I was so moved by how joyous and passionate he was during the performance. He was completely lit up the entire time, reveling in the spotlight. Afterwards when he saw my work partner and I, he ran towards us with a gigantic grin on his face. Leaping into my arms he gave me a huge hug, stating that he was so glad that we had come. What a fantastic evening to be a part of. I feel like his joy and gratitude will stick with me for the next few days. 

This morning I woke up to a Facebook post by one of my oldest friends. She stated that her daughter was reciting the things she didn’t like: monsters and crocodiles, and then she also stated the things she did like: me. I was so moved and touched by this. This young girl is adorable and I am such a huge fan of her. Unfortunately, I only get to see her a couple of times a year since I don’t live in my home state anymore. It is incredible to me that she is able to remember me. That in all of the people she could name to like, that I was the one who popped into her head. I felt humbled knowing that I have such an impact on her, even after months of not seeing me. Just goes to show that I can leave an impression on people. That interactions no matter how far apart they are, can totally matter in a three year old’s world. 

Last night, after the talent show I went to see one of my favorite bands. During their encore the lead singer said something that was so moving. He asked everyone in the crowd to take all of the bad and gross stuff that has been weighing them down and to imagine crushing it into a ball in the bottom of our hearts. He then asked us to reach our hands up to the sky pushing that ball out of our hearts and into our arms, feeling it travel through our arms, past our elbows, into our hands, and then into our fingers, releasing it into the sky for it to dissipate. He then asked us to focus on the space left in our hearts. To focus on the openness and that all that was left was warmth and goodness. It was totally powerful. I felt the energy shift in the room after that. And then everyone went nuts dancing to the last song. I’m still feeling the openness in my heart today. Wow. 

I don’t know what it is, if it’s the combination of all of these events or what. I feel really contemplative, humbled and loved this afternoon. 

Today I am grateful for:

Realizing my impact in my relationships with others. 
My job and the meaningful work I get to engage in everyday.
The connectedness I feel when at a show. Everyone coming together and feeding off of each other’s energy. 
My own self care and belief in myself.
Combating anxiety with interval training on the treadmill- stops worrying thoughts in their tracks! 
The possibility for reconnection.