Moving on and letting go is an awful, awful process. I had hoped that I could be just friends, that somehow after falling in love with one of my best friends, that we could return to what it had been like before. Turns out that right now that is impossible. Seeing him was too much- too much way too soon. I’ve been able to be friends with people I’ve dated in the past, but it has been after lots of time has passed. I need time. The part that is hardest, is that it seems impossible to go on in this life without him. Without the person who supported and encouraged me over the past two years, without the person who makes me laugh the hardest and feel the most at ease as myself. My confidant, my late night phone date, my love.

We are too hurt. Our hearts need to heal individually, with separate experiences. Knowing and feeling like we can go on and be just fine without the other. Maybe then we can reconnect, maybe then when I see him it won’t feel like the very delicate scab I’ve managed to grow over my wounded heart hasn’t been ripped off. Maybe then it won’t feel like the wind has been continually knocked out of me, that the never-ending nausea and feelings of impossibility will cease to exist.

I want the best for him. I want so many great things in this life for him. For him to know that he is loved and appreciated and has so much to offer to the people around him. Somehow, our journey has lead us to this place, where he needs to figure all of that out on his own. Without me. Even typing these sentences feels excruciating. I go back and forth between intense sadness, anger and numbness. I keep hoping for a balance and a sign that this is leading me to somewhere good. That eventually I will see the reason for this. That somehow I’m going to find myself living and loving with my whole heart again. 

I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid to fall in love. I thought that if I let myself fall for someone that I wouldn’t ever recover. I knew at a pretty young age what incredible loss felt like. I think in my mind and heart I wanted to protect myself from loss, from the pain. Healing from this heartbreak feels different somehow. I’ve turned my focus inward, paying special attention to my wants and needs. Doing all kinds of things to self soothe. I know that I will be okay. I know that in two weeks I’ll feel differently, in three months I may feel the spring in my step again.

I’m trying to focus on the good stuff. Trying extra hard to find the joy and humor in even the smallest of things. I’m keeping busy with friends and personal goals. I will get through this somehow. I woke up this morning and put my gym clothes on right away, because if I didn’t do that, I knew I’d continue to lay in my bed, wondering where the last three hours has gone. As I was getting ready, a good friend texted me asking if I had any interest in participating in a Warrior Dash. It’s a run that includes all kinds of crazy obstacles and lots of mud. I felt an excitement build in my chest as I considered if I could actually complete such a task. I walked over to the bulletin board that hangs behind my door. On it is my five year plan and other inspiring quotes and ideas. I’ve been meaning to update it as the first year is almost complete. I realized as I looked at it that I’d accomplished a lot of my first year goals already. It’s amazing to me that when things are written down and given a timestamp, they seem to naturally fall into place. I found myself feeling excited to update my five year plan again. 

Today I am grateful for:
My family and friends who give me unwavering support and love.
Living in a city with tons of things to do.
Hobbies to distract me.
Lots of music to listen to super, duper loudly.