You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2013.

Today I am grateful for:

Picture Friday!

My favorite flower in full bloom. Johnny Jump-ups always look like they’re smiling.

20130531-092838.jpg

Addie and Sophie. They are so cute together. Besties forever.

20130531-092907.jpg

This girl. Always grateful for this girl. Such a sweetheart with so much quirky personality. She brightens even my darkest days.

20130531-092940.jpg

The view outside my bedroom window. So much green!

20130531-092859.jpg

I woke this morning, before my alarm. Stretched well and then snuggled with Adder for a bit. After taking her for a long walk. I set up in my kitchen. I had a couple of different dips to make for a couple of BBQs. I threw on Pandora and was greeted by Norah Jones covering Randy Newman’s “I Think It’s Gonna Rain Today.” Something about her voice speaks to me. After the song was over, I Youtubed it so I could listen to it. Turns out I listened to nothing else for the entire two hours I was in the kitchen. 

As I chopped and mixed, I thought a lot. Next to showering and going for a run, being in the kitchen is where I do some great thinking. I thought about how I have been straddling so many lines lately. Lines between knowing what is best for myself and sometimes being my own saboteur. Lines between feeling okay with being alone and getting sucked down into the worst kind of loneliness. Lines between loving people with my whole heart, falling in love with complete strangers everywhere I go, and keeping distance from those who really care about me, building up wall after wall around my heart. Lines between feeling like I have all the time in the world and no time at all. Lines between authenticity and protection. I’d like to tell you that I solved all the problems in my little world while chopping. However, all I came out with was some delicious guacamole.

Afterwards, I cleaned off my beloved green chair. It has become a closet of sorts, holding the clothes that I never fold. However, I’ve been trying to be conscious of cutting down on my life clutter, since I’ve been feeling so mentally cluttered lately. Everytime I walk into my room, I feel a sense of peace when I look at what used to be an unusable piece of furniture. I made some time to read in it today, the breeze blew in as I sipped some coffee. It was complete bliss.

Life continues on friends, no matter what. I’m learning new rhythms and lyrics all the time.

Today I am grateful for:
Appreciating my own company.
Savoring slowness.
Music on repeat, repeat, repeat.

Today was one of those days. One of those days when I was very aware of all the love and excitement around me. I am grateful for human interaction.

I watched a stranger walk down the street and break into one of the widest grins I’ve ever seen for no apparent reason. I’d like to believe that they were thinking about their lover.

Two of my dear friends got engaged.

I watched several young kids giggling together and joking around while they waited for the bus. It seemed to me that they didn’t have a care in the world.

My roomie passed his qualifying exams making him a PhD candidate.

I gave two very grateful and appreciative friends a ride to the airport. Appreciating a very quiet city so early in the morning.

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Watch this video with tissues.

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-just-died-what-he-left-behind-is-wondtacular-rip

Today I am grateful for:

Inspirational people like Zach Sobiech. I was touched by his story and his positive outlook. The world needs more Zachs.

Reminders that life is too short. Do what you love. Tell the people who matter how much you love them. In the end, all that matters is love.

Today I am grateful for:

The kindness of strangers. To the woman standing behind me in line today, thank you for continuing to bless me while we stood in line together. Especially when I easily sneezed twenty times. (damn allergies!)

The man who went out of his way to hold the door for me, looked deep into my eyes, smiled warmly and said, “have a great day, sweetie.”

My good friend, Lexx, for picking me up and dropping me off at the airport. And always, always, always being there for me when I need her the most.

Time well spent with family. Some I hadn’t seen in almost five years!

Addie’s big wags and wiggles. I think she missed me. Love that girl.

One thing that remains difficult for me is to be grateful for the things that aren’t going well in my life.

I continue to struggle with how to get out of the mindset of “never enough” to one of abundance. There are so many messages everywhere telling us that we aren’t good enough, that we need more things to be happy, to feel whole. What we truly need is more love, kindess, hope, peace. I would like to re- commit myself to the law of attraction. What I focus my attention on is what I will get back. If I remain truly grateful for everything in my life, to pause and reflect, then everything feels like a blessing. I have so much to be thankful for. I am enough, I have enough and I am grateful. Every. Single. Day. I will remember this mantra. There is always something to be grateful for.

I really believe that feeling grateful for the things that go wrong is important as well. Even if I stop to tell myself that I am going through this for a reason, that there is something to learn from this- that will be enough. When things don’t work out, it means I have taken a risk, stepped out of my comfort zone, tried something I wasn’t so sure about. Disappointment comes from having expectations. But, I cannot have expectations without first having an idea or a goal to strive towards.

On my flight home today, I was listening to some sad tunes and feeling lonely, sad and like I was steeping myself in missing and loss. I was really letting myself feel it, hanging out there, feeling its heaviness and how there wasn’t any room for anything else. I looked over to my left and saw a bracelet on my seat-mate’s wrist. That split second glance pulled me out of the heaviness. It was a message, a sign. It changed my entire outlook.

20130519-214811.jpg

(be brave, stay strong)

All of this stuff that’s troubling my heart means that I opened myself up to care about someone. That I allowed myself the opportunity to get to know someone new. I met someone that I probably would’ve never crossed paths with, someone quite different from me and felt deeply connected to him. I learned things, tried things, experienced things with him that were special and meant something. His gentle sweetness and genuine-ness helped to create safety and trust in a way that I’ve never experienced. I was open to giving and receiving kindness, appreciation and love, even when it felt terrifying to do so. I let him into parts of myself that were dark and twisty and he didn’t reject me because of them. I am so grateful to him.

As my girl Brené Brown says (in a nutshell) we cannot experience joy without first being grateful. It is so easy to forebode joy, because when things are going well we expect something to go wrong. We wait for the other shoe to drop. (dear self: try not to forebode joy.) There is nothing like living in joy, the entire world seems so interconnected. I feel like everything hums and sings around me when I’m living my life in joy.

Be brave & stay strong, friends.

There is something about endings that leave me feeling really contemplative. Two nights ago was the series finale of The Office. This is a show I’ve been committed to for nine years. Even though it was definitely time for the series to be over, there was a part of me that didn’t want to let go, that didn’t want to believe that it was over. There was a sweetness in the finale that I appreciated. Almost like the writers knew that the viewers needed some tenderness, some recognition for the time we had spent together. That this series had affected people and this goodbye meant something.

Last night, my cousin graduated from high school. During the ceremony, I found myself reflecting on my life for the past twelve years. What I’d done with my life, the people I loved, the people I grew apart from, the people I’d lost. I found myself thinking and feeling things really hard. So hard that my breath was taken away a few times. It left me thinking about the memories that had stuck and the ones that had fallen away. I couldn’t help wondering what the next twelve years hold.

Today, I’m grateful for lessons learned.

I’m learning that I don’t always have to entertain the part of me that wants to talk about the person I’m missing. That sometimes I can drown that part out with loud music while driving fast in a car with all the windows down.

I’m learning that people can affect us more than we realize. That someone can enter our lives, shake us to the core, and then leave just as quickly.

I’m learning that as scary as vulnerability can be, it’s always worth it. That even though rejection stings, it was so worth it to put myself out there. It is always worth it to try.

So, maybe we learn that sometimes there aren’t always answers to the questions that we have.

Sometimes we have to learn to move on even when something doesn’t feel finished.

And sometimes walking away is about realizing your own worth and strength.

That sometimes, being surrounded by people who care about you is all you really need to feel okay.

And sometimes, getting away from your every day life can really help to quiet your mind, put things into perspective and help move things around that didn’t feel moveable even a couple of days ago.

Friends,

This past week has been a doozy. Somehow, I don’t think I can sum up what has gone down. I feel like I’ve been dragged through the emotional ringer. Lots of things happened that I won’t get into, but it was one thing after another and I feel beaten down.

Now is the time to do great self care. Here’s what I’ve done so far today.

Listened to music painfully loud.
Drove really fast with the windows down.
I cried. I angrily wrote.
I danced. I sang.
I snuggled with Adder.
I made myself a delicious meal and ate it slowly and in silence.
I went for a long walk.
I talked for a while with my Papa and a couple of close friends.
I went to work and tried to focus on the here and now, a huge feat on its own.

Here’s the thing. I’m still not okay. And you know what? I think that it’s okay that I’m not okay. I’d like to believe that all of this self care can make my pain go away, but it can’t. It has definitely eased it. However, it doesn’t change my situation. So, here’s what I’d like y’all to know. Take the best care you can of yourself when you’re hurting. Be easy with yourselves. Gentleness is what you need.

‘Cause I’ve spent the day spinning thoughts around in my head like a rock tumbler, hoping they’ll come out smoother and with less rough edges. Being really hard on myself to figure this out. To sort out what makes sense and what doesn’t, to see what patterns have emerged and what’s new. And then after that, make lists so that I can tackle each category separately. I’m being harder on myself that is necessary. If I were a good friend, I’d tell myself to be a little nicer to me.

What I need to do is tell my brain to shut the hell up. To tell the part of me that wants to talk to take a hike for a while. I need to focus in on me. So that’s what I plan to do. I’ve got a trip planned. I can’t wait to get some distance from Philly. I’m hoping along with some days off I’ll gain some clarity.

Be well friends.
Lots of love, light and warm hugs.

Today I am grateful for:

Organization. I am not the most organized person in the world. With so many different things going on in my life, this can work against me, as you can imagine. I often have seven different to-do lists floating around and always have that panicked feeling that I’m forgetting something. I’m trying out a new centralized system that seems to be working for me. It’s working out so well in fact, that I’d like to tell you that I have been feeling that I’m managing all aspects of my life well lately. It’s a pretty cool feeling. 

Feeling accomplished. I finally got my license in the mail. I get a rush of excitement every time I look at it. I worked hard for that piece of paper. There are lots of doors that can be opened now because of it. 

Springtime. I love falling asleep with the windows open while listening to the wind blow. It is so peaceful. 

Openness, honesty and vulnerability. All things that are difficult to do, especially with someone that I care about. Together they make for pretty amazing conversations though. I am learning and growing through difficult conversations. 

Iced drinks! I’ve been rocking iced tea lately, playing around with fun flavor combos. Yummy! 

A renewed interest in Pinterest (ha!) I’ve got a few projects waiting in the wings. 

Today I am grateful for:

Vulnerable conversations that feel terrifying and also lead to really good places.

Flow. The feeling that you get when you’re so immersed in something that you love that you lose all track of time. Nothing can distract you because you are so focused and in it. Some may refer to this as the zone. I was totally in my therapist flow a few times this week. Nothing compares to that feeling.

Spring time days. Warm sunshine and cool breeze.

Adderson Pokey Slothface. Her cute face brightens my day no matter what has happened. She continues to love me unconditionally. I love her so, so much.

20130502-193014.jpg

20130502-193021.jpg