My dear friends,

2013 has been the year of vulnerability for me. I have taken so many great risks. And with those risks have come two significant heartbreaks. I dated and fell for a good friend with whom it didn’t work out with. Then only months later, met a fantastic man who came into my life like a whirlwind and left just as quickly. My heart needs a rest.

It’s interesting to think about a time when I didn’t know him. I was blissfully oblivious. I almost wish that I could go back to the time when I didn’t know he existed. A time when I didn’t have to wonder so much. It’s hard to walk around certain parts of the city now. Things that used to have no meaning or significance are loaded. Certain songs, places and blocks are not safe. I find myself holding my breath sometimes, doing a quick scan to make sure he’s not around. It is the worst thinking that he is only several blocks away, but miles away from the spaces we used to share.

I think about all of the people I encounter daily, of all the people I have known, of all the people I have not yet met. Only a handful have impacted me. Have really reached in and mattered. I am different now because of him. So many memories. So much love and laughter. Too many tears. So many things that could have been and never will be.

I know that with time that this won’t feel so heavy. As leaves change color and fall. As it gets colder and the streets become blanketed in snow and then warmer again. Days, weeks and months will pass. This will get easier. I will be okay. He will become faded and cross my mind less and less. He will become a fellow that I used to know. Someone that I’ll remember in passing. Someone that used to be really important to me. Maybe someday I won’t have to remind myself to forget about him.

Today I am grateful for:
Missing someone so much that it hurts. It means that I loved someone. The loss is unbearable at times, but it still means that I loved.
Songs that rip my heart up. Like this one:
All of the growth and change gained from these experiences.
Strength, resiliency and grace.