This whole process of breaking up, letting go of a relationship, shifting the way in which I interact with my world, becoming used to not speaking with someone I care deeply for on a regular basis, is so, SO, tough. I keep asking myself a question over and over, as I’m sure others going through a similar situation have as well, “where does the love go?” I loved and cared for you yesterday and I’m supposed to suddenly feel neutral about you now? It never made sense to me. I don’t know that it ever will.

It seems as if though we are socialized to believe that when a relationship fails, that we have failed, that there is something inherently wrong with us, that we weren’t able to make it work, AGAIN. I’ve also found that it is acceptable and almost expected to vilify our partner, to talk shit about them and hate their guts for leaving us, or for not trying hard enough.

These ideas leave me feeling really uncomfortable.

This probably comes as no surprise to any of you, but I am a lover. In a big way. When I love you, I really love you. I care so deeply for you and am often moved by how much I can care for another person. I want to spread my warmth and leave people surrounded by a loving bubble of light. I am grateful for love and my ability to share it.

So, when my friends and family want to talk with me about how I’m better off or that he’s a big jerk, I find myself getting in the defensive position. I don’t speak about people like that, ever. So, why would I do it with a person who at one point in time was one of the most important people in my life?

Losing someone is hard. I get that. I also get why people feel the need to disconnect. It’s protective. When going through a loss, we need to take care of ourselves first. But after the dust has settled and we begin to see things clearer, I’d like new conversations to happen. To honor the feelings in my gut that tell me that hating and vilifying someone don’t align with the way in which I interact with this world.

What I am saying is that I would like to focus on love in all of this. To celebrate the things that were good about my dating partner and the relationship we shared. I want to look at my part in what didn’t work out and work on those things in myself. I want to really believe that just because it didn’t work out, does not mean that there is something wrong with me or my partner. That we are two people who cared about each other, but it didn’t work out. And that is okay. We are both one step closer to finding a person who we can make it work with.

There were lessons to be learned in all of this. There was love to be shared, moments to be remembered tenderly, signifiant life impacts to be had. None of those things could have happened between two other people. What we had was special and unique to us. THAT is what I’m going to focus on.

Today I am grateful for:
Finding balance.
Hands to hold. Hugs to give and receive.