I’ve somehow found myself in the middle of letting go. I can see where I started, but have yet to see the end. Is there an end? Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. How has time passed so quickly and also so slowly? The heaviness has shifted around. I’ve begun to feel lighter. The pain is still there. It’s just duller now.

I’ve become a pro at pretending. At distracting, at filling my time. “Faking it until I make it.” Getting to know new people. Exploring their eyes, hoping to find answers that I hadn’t considered before. I’m not ready yet, but I really want to be. My heart keeps waiting, wanting to cling so hard to hope and faith and patience and love and fondness. “It isn’t fair,” my brain tells my heart, “it’s just not fair. We can’t wait anymore.”

I’ve been reading other people’s feelings about broken hearts. Hoping that somehow their words and thoughts will take over mine. I’d like to focus on theirs instead of my own. Being alone hurts. The silence is too much. Finding activities that help fill that space. Nothing quite fits. I’ll keep trying though. Maybe the space will get smaller.

I miss so many things.

Today I am grateful for:
Doing silly things.
Making choices that I don’t regret.
Loving the people who have chosen to stay in my life, over and over and over again. Kissing and squeezing and holding them tight. Thank you for loving me.

Advertisements