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Dear friends,

I’ve seriously injured myself playing floor hockey recently and it’s been a tough road. A road that’s only going to get tougher as I consult with surgeons and physical therapists. It’s funny how I’ve taken my health, able body and knees for granted. Walking with crutches and a full leg brace is a huge pain. I’m uncomfortable and frustrated. I have a new understanding of people who struggle with chronic pain. I’ve got this low level, constant, dull ache. It’s enough to cause me to be teetering on the edge of irritation almost all of the time.

I’m in a dark place. I’ve been feeling really down and sorry for myself. Focusing on all the reasons why this blows so much. This injury is significantly impacting my life. I’ve had to bail on two races, cancel two out of town trips and potentially cancel an out of the country trip later this summer. Long term injuries and sicknesses can take a toll on the dedication to choose happiness and focus on the positive.

This dark place leads me to other dark places. One I’ve grown accustomed to over the past several months. Lots of inactivity and idleness are not good for my sad heart. I want a certain someone to know that I’m hurt and I can’t figure out why. It’s not like he would have the answers or be able to cure me in anyway. I’ve been doing so well lately in terms of focusing on me. I’ve blocked this person on all social media. I’ve been able to fade the part of me that always wonders how he’s doing and tune out the familiar feeling in my stomach that tugs at my heart every time I’m reminded of him. I’ve been doing better. So why now? Why during this tough time? I’ve got handfuls of people that are helping and taking care of me in the best way possible. I don’t need anyone else. Especially not someone who has shown over time that I don’t mean as much as I thought that I did.

Not to worry friends, even among all of this darkness, there are many things to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful for:
The support and love of my Philly friends. They’ve gone above and beyond to help me. People offer to drive me places. Friends show up at my door with lots of hugs and good company. I am the luckiest person to have such an amazing support network.
My family. From all over, calling and asking how they can help from afar. It is good to feel loved.
Health insurance and the care of good doctors.
Addie. With her persistent cuddling and nuzzles.

Today I am grateful for:

A new month. The confirmation that time is indeed passing.

Snow days! This winter has been so amazing. I love the snow so much. I love watching it twirl and fall outside the window. I love running in it. I love the way the big flakes stick to my eyelashes. And I love, love, love unexpected days off. They are a gift to me after a long work week.

Hosting people in my home. I’ve gotten some really nice compliments about how warm and inviting my apartment is. I have friends that live in the suburbs who see my apartment as their home in the city.

Recreational leagues. Even though I’m not any good at floor hockey or bocce, it’s still really fun to play with a bunch of good pals.

Puppy paw prints in the snow.

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This girl. Always this girl.

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