I’ve been nervous lately. Feeling really uneasy. This can only be attributed to the state of the country right now. There is so much emotional turmoil. Alongside of these feelings, I am feeling so scared about my future. Of how much I’m feeling that I have to fight for my own rights as well as the rights of others. At the end of the day, I want someone who will hold my hand and tell me that it’s going to be okay. Even if we’re not sure that it actually is going to be. At the end of the day, I want to hold my breath with someone as we wait for the snow to come. The anticipation of magic. Reveling in the tiny moments that make up the story of our life.

Loss triggers other loss. And boy do I feel it. I’ve spent the past few days sorting through so many thoughts and feelings. What things feel like they belong in this pile and what things feel like they belong in that much larger pile over there.

Potential, man. It gets me every time. Well, that and a hearty laugh accompanied with good conversation and delicious kisses. I get so swept up in it all. And I know better. I KNOW BETTER. Things that start out fast and furious often end fast and furious. I was so surprised when they fizzled out. It felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me. It’s so hard though to not get too excited at possibility and potential. The excited and nervous energy, the wide smile that won’t leave my face, the opportunity to learn everything I can about someone new. It’s even harder to slow down and to step away when the other person is coming for you hard.

And you know what? In the grand scheme of my life, this was a little blip. But right now? I can’t help but spin the same question over and over again in my brain. Why is it so difficult for me to lay a solid relational foundation? I am watching people around me do it so effortlessly. They lay a brick and then the other person lays a brick. It’s a back and forth, a ping pong match. I watch it from afar everyday. And then when it’s my turn, it feels like my paddle breaks or I’m forced to play with my left hand. It feels awkward for me. And so I ask the question again, what is so hard about laying a solid foundation? I’m left trying to pick out the pieces that are similar, the threads, to weave together the parts that I’m responsible for. The parts that I can attend to and work on.

The part that I struggle with is the abrupt about face. I knew it was coming, but I also didn’t want to be right. I hate when I’m right. I’m bummed that I had to ask him about it. I wish he had just said something. Told me what it was that had shifted. That I make funny noises in my sleep, or that I’m a little too obsessed with my dog, that my friends are a little too involved in my life or that he had met someone else that it felt easier with. Because weeks before he had said such sweet things. Such amazingly sweet things. When his behaviors began to not match his words I knew what was coming. I know what it looks like and more importantly I know what it FEELS like when someone is with me. When they’re matching me.

I picked up on the subtle differences after our first sleep over. I stood in my kitchen and I watched his light begin to dim. I told every single voice in my head to shut the fuck up. I tried to act normal, to play it cool, to “fucking chillllll” as my best guy friend tells me. But I’m not good at being chill. I’m intense and passionate and observant and stubborn and opinionated and sensitive. The strengths I’ve built to be good at what I do have become weaknesses in my romantic relationships. My ability to pick up on nuances has served me well in my career. They appear to be the death of my relationships. My intuition always knows. It’s what makes me good at observing human behavior. A micro expression, a slight change in the pitch or tone of a person’s voice, breaking eye contact just a bit earlier, gentle touches become less frequent.

That’s when I’m faced with my task, my challenge. The thing that I’m meant to practice, learn and grow from. It’s to just stand still. To observe. To take in all of the information and process it overtime. To pay attention to how I feel and what I need. To not react to these subtleties. I think I did alright, not great. I was able to hang out in uncertainty for about two weeks. But then I couldn’t stand it any longer. My insecurities won. They want to throw tantrums for attention, but I talked them down to asking a question that lead me to the answer I already knew. I contemplated just letting it fade out, but that has never felt right to me. Knowing for sure feels better. Certainty sits so much easier in my chest.

I understand that situations change and that people change their minds or they meet someone else or all of that anticipation and buildup of excitement feels like a let down in comparison to reality. I get it and I completely understand it. I still feel disappointed though. He’s a good dude. I don’t feel loss around people who don’t matter. In the end, I will continue to choose me when I feel that I deserve better. I will not settle for someone who feels mediocre about me. People make time for those who matter. Priorities are easily seen.

I’d like to know what it’s like when a person has a moment of uncertainty, as they inevitably will, for them to have enough insight or awareness to tell me about it. Or for them to recognize me in my moments of uncertainty and to be able to stand toe to toe with me and say, “whoa. hold up. slow down. what are the stories you’re telling yourself right now?” Cause I need to have more insight too. And then I want for us to work it out together. To step back and effectively communicate. Essentially laying another brick, sailing that ball over the net. In it to fucking win it.

So, I strive for balance amidst feeling bummed and focus on what this was supposed to teach me. The good moments, the laughter and smiles, the reminder that there are people out there to connect with, even if for just a little while. The chance to try new things, to test my own limits, to do something differently to effect positive change. Even blips can make a difference. Small moments in time can still have an impact. Connection doesn’t know about time. Connection just knows about people and the ways they can or cannot make each other feel. It’s that feeling of, “what just happened? who are you? where did you come from?” People can and will whirlwind in and out of our periphery and sometimes we are lucky enough to catch our breath beside that person, ground down into the moments and feel grateful. And so alive.

 

 

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