“Put the pen to paper. Work it out through writing.”

That’s what my very dear friend said to me on the phone last week after yet another breakup. She knows me well, probably better than most. I knew she was right, however, I was so hesitant to begin. What would I even write about? I couldn’t make sense of most of my thoughts, let alone what I would write for you, dear reader.

How have I ended up here again? How am I 32 and 11/12 and single. AGAIN. I’m not sure where the pressure has come from about this. I feel like I have failed miserably. And so, I’ve decided to throw myself a pity party of epic proportions.

This last one. He was different. And I was excited about how different he was. I felt so calm and peaceful around him. We had great chemistry. In the end though, I struggled with how quiet he could be. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. I felt calm and peaceful and attracted, but really distant and alone.

I’ve built my entire career on how much I am in love with conversations. How much I am in love with helping other people to have better conversations and really understand each other. That feeling, that feeling of really being understood by someone. It’s electric. I feed off of it. It speaks directly to my spirit. When I am experiencing that with someone else, or watching other people experience it, I am completely in my flow. It feels like nothing can stop me.

I crave that feeling. I’ve had it with past lovers. Ones who could give me that intense connection, but not the commitment. Ones who could charm and excite me and also frustrate me. It didn’t work out with them either. Is it possible to have both? The stability and the excitement? The peacefulness and the charm? Someone who has direction and balance?

I struggle so much with seeing my future. When I celebrate my friends and the many milestones they have- buying houses, getting married or having babies- I am so excited for them. So, so excited. I also feel blind. Can I have those things for myself? Am I meant to have these things too? I can’t see it. I want to see it, but I can’t.

I have such vision for so many other parts of my life. I’ve been so driven when it came to my career. I knew what I wanted and I was going to go after it. No matter what. I feel that way in social situations as well. I know how to meet people and I know how to converse with them. I know how to smile sweetly and to make enough of an impression that I can request a friendly coffee or stroll around the city and know that they’ll want that too. These things come easily to me.

Love has been elusive.

I have been in love. In many different forms. I’ve lost them all along the way. I know that they say that to have loved and lost is better than not loving at all. I don’t buy it. Losing hurts. Losing sparks really nasty and negative conversations with myself.  Really old patterns emerge. Loneliness comes back. And loneliness is heavy. It takes up a lot of space in my chest and in my mind. I don’t want this. I don’t want this pity party or these feelings of being a loser. I don’t want these feelings that somehow I’ve missed out on my chance and my opportunity for all-consuming love.

I want to love someone so fiercely that I can’t even stand it. More importantly though, I want someone to love me back just as fiercely. I want to be all in with someone. Where I’m so terrified, but leaving isn’t even an option. I want to know what it’s like to have my heart swell when my love enters the room. I want all of the cheesiness. All. Of. It.

I feel sad that I have hurt people. I feel sad that people have hurt me. I feel sad for anyone else who feels like love eludes them.

I also feel grateful. Because for some reason, in spite of myself, I have soulmates. Ones I never dreamed I could have. They love me fiercely, intensely and with all of themselves. We’ve built such beautiful, warm, loving and safe relationships. I call these people my friends. And I am the luckiest to have them by my side. They are the ones who sit with me when I’m in this space, the ugliest version of myself, and listen. Or talk. Or just sit quietly. They’ve accepted me just as I am and even though they’ve seen the darkest, twistiest and roughest parts of me, they continue to love me anyway. I believe into the very depths of my soul that I was meant to love and I was meant for loving. So, I’ve still got hope. Because if love like this can exist, there must be more of it out there waiting for me.

Somewhere out there in this vast Universe, my love has just taken his dog out for a long walk and then he cut himself a big bowl of strawberries. Just as I have. He’s wondering what has taken so long. He’s wondering where I am. Just as I wonder. That comforts me. I’m grateful for that too.

Sending you all of the love and light I can muster. Remember to be patient, kind and gentle with yourselves. You deserve the best that there is even when, especially when, you’re struggling. Sweet dreams, friends.

 

 

 

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