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I’ve been nervous lately. Feeling really uneasy. This can only be attributed to the state of the country right now. There is so much emotional turmoil. Alongside of these feelings, I am feeling so scared about my future. Of how much I’m feeling that I have to fight for my own rights as well as the rights of others. At the end of the day, I want someone who will hold my hand and tell me that it’s going to be okay. Even if we’re not sure that it actually is going to be. At the end of the day, I want to hold my breath with someone as we wait for the snow to come. The anticipation of magic. Reveling in the tiny moments that make up the story of our life.
Loss triggers other loss. And boy do I feel it. I’ve spent the past few days sorting through so many thoughts and feelings. What things feel like they belong in this pile and what things feel like they belong in that much larger pile over there.
Potential, man. It gets me every time. Well, that and a hearty laugh accompanied with good conversation and delicious kisses. I get so swept up in it all. And I know better. I KNOW BETTER. Things that start out fast and furious often end fast and furious. I was so surprised when they fizzled out. It felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me. It’s so hard though to not get too excited at possibility and potential. The excited and nervous energy, the wide smile that won’t leave my face, the opportunity to learn everything I can about someone new. It’s even harder to slow down and to step away when the other person is coming for you hard.
And you know what? In the grand scheme of my life, this was a little blip. But right now? I can’t help but spin the same question over and over again in my brain. Why is it so difficult for me to lay a solid relational foundation? I am watching people around me do it so effortlessly. They lay a brick and then the other person lays a brick. It’s a back and forth, a ping pong match. I watch it from afar everyday. And then when it’s my turn, it feels like my paddle breaks or I’m forced to play with my left hand. It feels awkward for me. And so I ask the question again, what is so hard about laying a solid foundation? I’m left trying to pick out the pieces that are similar, the threads, to weave together the parts that I’m responsible for. The parts that I can attend to and work on.
The part that I struggle with is the abrupt about face. I knew it was coming, but I also didn’t want to be right. I hate when I’m right. I’m bummed that I had to ask him about it. I wish he had just said something. Told me what it was that had shifted. That I make funny noises in my sleep, or that I’m a little too obsessed with my dog, that my friends are a little too involved in my life or that he had met someone else that it felt easier with. Because weeks before he had said such sweet things. Such amazingly sweet things. When his behaviors began to not match his words I knew what was coming. I know what it looks like and more importantly I know what it FEELS like when someone is with me. When they’re matching me.
I picked up on the subtle differences after our first sleep over. I stood in my kitchen and I watched his light begin to dim. I told every single voice in my head to shut the fuck up. I tried to act normal, to play it cool, to “fucking chillllll” as my best guy friend tells me. But I’m not good at being chill. I’m intense and passionate and observant and stubborn and opinionated and sensitive. The strengths I’ve built to be good at what I do have become weaknesses in my romantic relationships. My ability to pick up on nuances has served me well in my career. They appear to be the death of my relationships. My intuition always knows. It’s what makes me good at observing human behavior. A micro expression, a slight change in the pitch or tone of a person’s voice, breaking eye contact just a bit earlier, gentle touches become less frequent.
That’s when I’m faced with my task, my challenge. The thing that I’m meant to practice, learn and grow from. It’s to just stand still. To observe. To take in all of the information and process it overtime. To pay attention to how I feel and what I need. To not react to these subtleties. I think I did alright, not great. I was able to hang out in uncertainty for about two weeks. But then I couldn’t stand it any longer. My insecurities won. They want to throw tantrums for attention, but I talked them down to asking a question that lead me to the answer I already knew. I contemplated just letting it fade out, but that has never felt right to me. Knowing for sure feels better. Certainty sits so much easier in my chest.
I understand that situations change and that people change their minds or they meet someone else or all of that anticipation and buildup of excitement feels like a let down in comparison to reality. I get it and I completely understand it. I still feel disappointed though. He’s a good dude. I don’t feel loss around people who don’t matter. In the end, I will continue to choose me when I feel that I deserve better. I will not settle for someone who feels mediocre about me. People make time for those who matter. Priorities are easily seen.
I’d like to know what it’s like when a person has a moment of uncertainty, as they inevitably will, for them to have enough insight or awareness to tell me about it. Or for them to recognize me in my moments of uncertainty and to be able to stand toe to toe with me and say, “whoa. hold up. slow down. what are the stories you’re telling yourself right now?” Cause I need to have more insight too. And then I want for us to work it out together. To step back and effectively communicate. Essentially laying another brick, sailing that ball over the net. In it to fucking win it.
So, I strive for balance amidst feeling bummed and focus on what this was supposed to teach me. The good moments, the laughter and smiles, the reminder that there are people out there to connect with, even if for just a little while. The chance to try new things, to test my own limits, to do something differently to effect positive change. Even blips can make a difference. Small moments in time can still have an impact. Connection doesn’t know about time. Connection just knows about people and the ways they can or cannot make each other feel. It’s that feeling of, “what just happened? who are you? where did you come from?” People can and will whirlwind in and out of our periphery and sometimes we are lucky enough to catch our breath beside that person, ground down into the moments and feel grateful. And so alive.
Today I am grateful for:
My sweet baby girl. My nonstop cuddle buddy. My Pokey Slothface.
Friends who bring me medicine when I’m sick.
People fighting the good fight.
Hope. Love. Peace.
Holding hands and singing songs at the top of my lungs.
Hand lettering and it’s unexpected therapeutic properties.
Witnessing two of my bests begin to fall in love. So, so heartwarming.
You guys.
I am so in love with Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats. You probably know them because of the song S.O.B. but I NEED you to know that the rest of the album is so, so, SO good. It was released last summer and it has been heavy in my rotation for the past year. You all know that I am a big fan of the repeat button, so this probably doesn’t come as a surprise. BUT. This album? It speaks to me on so many levels. It often feels like the music is reaching straight into my chest and soothing all of my hurts. It’s THAT good.
Last night I saw them live and I was giddy the whole time. They are incredible musicians and they brought down the house. So much dancing, so many wide smiles. It was the perfect start to my birthday week. I left feeling on top of the world.
This morning I don’t feel any differently. I feel energized and alive. I feel like anything is possible and that the things that I have been longing for are just around the corner. This feeling only comes to me every so often but it is often after an amazing live show. Seeing music that I love performed live awakens me in ways that nothing else can.
This show was right on time. I’ve been struggling with my upcoming birthday. Struggling with how different my life has turned out, how differently I had imagined things to be for myself. I’m certainly not complaining about what I have. I am grateful and I know how fortunate I am to have the things that I do. And the people that I have in my life? Gosh, they are the best. I am the luckiest when it comes to my support network. I know this. I KNOW this.
However, it is also so hard to long for something that I have no control over. I can tackle all of the problems that come my way and overcome them like a motherfucking champ. I continue to focus on self care and personal growth. I believe so strongly that all of the hard work I’m doing is raising my vibrational energy. I’m working on patience. I really am. It’s just so hard to wait sometimes.
I am committed to attracting only the best of the best.
I am so grateful for last night. I needed to fill up my faith and wonder. I needed this feeling that I’m on the right path. That I need to stop and look around and appreciate the view. If I hurry I’ll miss all of this. I’ll miss the delicious feelings that I’m feeling.
Today holds incredible tunes in my head, love in my heart, warmth in my bones and kindness in my eyes.
“Put the pen to paper. Work it out through writing.”
That’s what my very dear friend said to me on the phone last week after yet another breakup. She knows me well, probably better than most. I knew she was right, however, I was so hesitant to begin. What would I even write about? I couldn’t make sense of most of my thoughts, let alone what I would write for you, dear reader.
How have I ended up here again? How am I 32 and 11/12 and single. AGAIN. I’m not sure where the pressure has come from about this. I feel like I have failed miserably. And so, I’ve decided to throw myself a pity party of epic proportions.
This last one. He was different. And I was excited about how different he was. I felt so calm and peaceful around him. We had great chemistry. In the end though, I struggled with how quiet he could be. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. I felt calm and peaceful and attracted, but really distant and alone.
I’ve built my entire career on how much I am in love with conversations. How much I am in love with helping other people to have better conversations and really understand each other. That feeling, that feeling of really being understood by someone. It’s electric. I feed off of it. It speaks directly to my spirit. When I am experiencing that with someone else, or watching other people experience it, I am completely in my flow. It feels like nothing can stop me.
I crave that feeling. I’ve had it with past lovers. Ones who could give me that intense connection, but not the commitment. Ones who could charm and excite me and also frustrate me. It didn’t work out with them either. Is it possible to have both? The stability and the excitement? The peacefulness and the charm? Someone who has direction and balance?
I struggle so much with seeing my future. When I celebrate my friends and the many milestones they have- buying houses, getting married or having babies- I am so excited for them. So, so excited. I also feel blind. Can I have those things for myself? Am I meant to have these things too? I can’t see it. I want to see it, but I can’t.
I have such vision for so many other parts of my life. I’ve been so driven when it came to my career. I knew what I wanted and I was going to go after it. No matter what. I feel that way in social situations as well. I know how to meet people and I know how to converse with them. I know how to smile sweetly and to make enough of an impression that I can request a friendly coffee or stroll around the city and know that they’ll want that too. These things come easily to me.
Love has been elusive.
I have been in love. In many different forms. I’ve lost them all along the way. I know that they say that to have loved and lost is better than not loving at all. I don’t buy it. Losing hurts. Losing sparks really nasty and negative conversations with myself. Really old patterns emerge. Loneliness comes back. And loneliness is heavy. It takes up a lot of space in my chest and in my mind. I don’t want this. I don’t want this pity party or these feelings of being a loser. I don’t want these feelings that somehow I’ve missed out on my chance and my opportunity for all-consuming love.
I want to love someone so fiercely that I can’t even stand it. More importantly though, I want someone to love me back just as fiercely. I want to be all in with someone. Where I’m so terrified, but leaving isn’t even an option. I want to know what it’s like to have my heart swell when my love enters the room. I want all of the cheesiness. All. Of. It.
I feel sad that I have hurt people. I feel sad that people have hurt me. I feel sad for anyone else who feels like love eludes them.
I also feel grateful. Because for some reason, in spite of myself, I have soulmates. Ones I never dreamed I could have. They love me fiercely, intensely and with all of themselves. We’ve built such beautiful, warm, loving and safe relationships. I call these people my friends. And I am the luckiest to have them by my side. They are the ones who sit with me when I’m in this space, the ugliest version of myself, and listen. Or talk. Or just sit quietly. They’ve accepted me just as I am and even though they’ve seen the darkest, twistiest and roughest parts of me, they continue to love me anyway. I believe into the very depths of my soul that I was meant to love and I was meant for loving. So, I’ve still got hope. Because if love like this can exist, there must be more of it out there waiting for me.
Somewhere out there in this vast Universe, my love has just taken his dog out for a long walk and then he cut himself a big bowl of strawberries. Just as I have. He’s wondering what has taken so long. He’s wondering where I am. Just as I wonder. That comforts me. I’m grateful for that too.
Sending you all of the love and light I can muster. Remember to be patient, kind and gentle with yourselves. You deserve the best that there is even when, especially when, you’re struggling. Sweet dreams, friends.
Some of you may know the feeling of coming out of a depression. It’s a feeling of lightness, of newness. In the midst of depression everything feels dark, dull and heavy. Menial tasks feel all consuming. Gathering enough energy to exist day to day requires almost too much of our existence. “How will I go about today?” you may find yourself wondering, “how can I possibly face the daily activities of my life?” Depression can steal away the very core of what it means to feel like ourselves.
This morning I awoke with a feeling of wonder deep in my chest. I gazed out the window and watched the wind blow snow down the street behind my house. I felt gratitude towards this feeling. It had been a long time since I had felt it. This feeling of wonder is often holding hands with contentment. And that’s how my morning was spent. I relished the taste of hot coffee while snuggled under a blanket with my favorite girl. I read while she snoozed, her eyes partly open. A small smile played on my lips as I thought to myself, “this is what life is all about.”
Depression stole my zest for life, my appreciation and the small thoughts that lead to big ideas. As that dark monster has retreated into its cave, I am left with energy, exuberance and a strong knowing of possibility. Anything is possible when I am feeling like myself. Self care feels imminent as it is the thing that falls to the wayside when exerting all energy on being. Meals get cooked with care, long walks with the pup get taken, overdue conversations with far away friends are held. Gratitude and appreciation for life is restored.
I know how difficult it can be to feel grateful and appreciative of our lives when in the midst of all of the hard stuff. However, what I’d like you to take from this is hope that you can come back to yourself. Whether your depression is situational or clinical, there will be a time when the heaviness lifts, even if just for a little while. And when that happens, I want you to close your eyes, place your hand over your chest and say a silent thank you. There is an end to the dark tunnel- the light is just around the bend. Even the smallest of steps will lead you there. You’ll see.
Today I am grateful for:
Interpersonal exchanges that help you feel alive. Interactions that remind you that this is what it’s all about.
So many of my favorites in one room together, talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.
The way the scent of cookies and cider linger in my apartment days after cooking has stopped.
My apartment holding onto some of it’s sparkling cleanliness even after 40 people have passed through it.
How easily people engage and interact with each other during this time of year. The spirit of the holidays indeed.
Reconnecting with someone after YEARS have passed. And how easily it can be to fall right back into step.
How simple acts of affection can ignite this lonely girl’s heart- an arm around a shoulder, shared glances, whispered appreciations during an extended hug. All fleeting moments in time, but meaningful punctuations nonetheless.
Twirling snowflakes adding a hint of romanticism to every situation.
Today I am grateful for:
Cool breeze. Somewhere in between summer and fall, blowing through my windows early in the morning.
Humongous cups of coffee.
Waking up to one of my bests and giggling together. She will be moving away soon. These are the moments I will cherish- every single moment I have with her.
Meeting people in odd places and then over time calling them friends.
Addie! Have I mentioned before how grateful I am for my girl? 😉
My physical therapist. She was with me through it all and pushed me hard. It’s because of her that I’m able to be as active as I am.
My dear friends,
It has been a long, long time since I have written. I hope you’ll forgive me. I don’t really have any excuses to explain myself. I’ve been in the tunnel over the past five months- doing the hard work, dealing with the dark and stormy thoughts of my brain. And honestly, writing in this blog fell way to the bottom of my list. I hope you are well. I hope you have been taking care of yourself.
I’m happy to tell you that I’m almost on the other side of the dark tunnel. My knee is 75% healed. I’ve begun engaging in activities that I was doing beforehand. I’m not as strong and I don’t have as much endurance, but I can do them. I’ve also found a new hobby- swimming!
During this long weekend, I made a point to be unscheduled. Those of you who know me, know that I am always going somewhere, seeing someone, doing something. This is not the case this weekend. I made a promise to myself to be calm and peaceful. It has been deliciously lovely. I’ve been making meals for myself and trying out new recipes. I read an entire book in one day (All Fall Down- highly recommended) and the only interruption I had was Adder wiggling her nose under my hand to be scratched while I read. I’ve drank way too much coffee and spent a lot of time alone. Both of my roommates went out of town unexpectedly and I have the apartment to myself for 5 days. I have been cherishing it so much. I forget how much I loved living alone. I really needed this recharge as I’ve been feeling… antsy lately. On the edge. Feeling irritable and like I just needed space. It is exactly what I needed. I struggle to find the balance doing everything or nothing. It’s one or the other with me. There is a medium place in there somewhere, right?
I’m anticipating fall. Feeling really anxious for it. Fall, for me, is a new start. It’s the time of year that I compare to where I was (physically, mentally, spiritually) and what I was doing at this time last year. Unfortunately for me, there are some sad memories in that reflection. I’m taking them all in stride and moving along though.
Here’s to a new season, friends, a fresh and crisp renewal. Hugs and Kisses.
A few weeks ago, I shared how difficult it has been to be in the midst of a serious injury. How significant it has been on my emotional health and how much it has impacted my life. I’ve been really struggling to remain positive and find things in the everyday to be grateful for. I wanted this blog to be a place for me to focus on all of the good in my life, but in reality, life is tough sometimes. It’s definitely okay not to be okay. It is super easy to be grateful when on the upswing in life. The sun shines brighter, you can feel love stronger, life sparkles when things are good. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, practicing gratitude when things are hard and when we REALLY don’t want to, is when practicing gratitude matters the most.
I am so grateful for the people in my life, the ones who show up for me. Even when I don’t know that I need it and even when I know that I do and reject it anyway. The persistent people, the ones who call instead of text, who show up at my door insisting that they can’t wait to sit on the couch and do nothing with me. The ones who can read me better than most, who screen right past my bullshit. I am grateful for these people. I am lucky to call them my friends.
I really hope that you have at least one person in your life that you can rely on like this. Someone who you are able to be your most authentic self with. Someone who loves you for you, just as you are, and also wants the best for you, so they encourage you to grow. Someone who doesn’t always tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. Someone who has seen you at your absolute worst and loves you anyway. This person doesn’t necessarily need to be a lover, but a family member, a friend or a co-worker.
I hope for at least one of these people for you, friends. If you do have one of these people, I’d like to ask a favor: tell them how much they mean to you. Appreciate them and put the work in. There isn’t anything that is more important than letting the people we care about know how much we appreciate them.
Sending you lots of love, warm hugs and courage. We can get through these hard times. There is something good waiting for us on the other side.
❤
I love this video. Something about watching the intimacy build between these twenty strangers is so beautiful.
http://instinctmagazine.com/post/20-complete-strangers-kiss-each-other-first-time-first-kiss
grappreciation 